Wild Robber



EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - AFTERNOON

Caring actor DR HAROLD THUNDER is arguing with articulate housekeeper PROF GEMMA RANDALL. HAROLD tries to hug GEMMA but she shakes him off.

HAROLD
Please Gemma, don't leave me.
GEMMA
I'm sorry Harold, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
HAROLD
I am such a person!
GEMMA frowns.

GEMMA
I'm sorry, Harold. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
GEMMA leaves.

HAROLD sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, noble private detective MS KATY JOLIE barges in looking flustered.

HAROLD
Goodness, Katy! Is everything okay?
KATY
I'm afraid not.
HAROLD
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
KATY
It's ... a robber ... I saw an evil robber frighten a bunch of swimmers!
HAROLD
Defenseless swimmers?
KATY
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
HAROLD
Bloomin' heck, Katy! We've got to do something.
KATY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
HAROLD
You can start by telling me where this happened.
KATY
I was...
KATY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

HAROLD
Focus Katy, focus! Where did it happen?
KATY
A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!
HAROLD springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

HAROLD rushes along the street, followed by KATY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

ROGER BALL a wild robber terrorises two swimmers.

HAROLD, closely followed by KATY, rushes towards ROGER, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

KATY
What is is? What's the matter?
HAROLD
That's not just any old robber, that's Roger Ball!
KATY
Who's Roger Ball?
HAROLD
Who's Roger Ball? Who's Roger Ball? Only the most wild robber in the universe!
KATY
Blinkin' knickers, Harold! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild robber in the universe!
HAROLD
You can say that again.
KATY
Blinkin' knickers, Harold! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild robber in the universe!
HAROLD
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Roger turns and sees Harold and Katy. He grins an evil grin.

ROGER
Harold Thunder, we meet again.
KATY
You've met?
HAROLD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young HAROLD is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ROGER. He takes off his headphones.

ROGER
Would you like some wine gums?
HAROLD's eyes light up, but then he studies ROGER more closely, and looks uneasy.

HAROLD
I don't know, you look kind of wild.
ROGER
Me? No. I'm not wild. I'm the least wild robber in the world.
HAROLD
Wait, you're a robber?
HAROLD runs away, screaming.


INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

ROGER
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
KATY
(To HAROLD) You ran away?
HAROLD
(To KATY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
HAROLD turns to ROGER.

HAROLD
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
HAROLD runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

HAROLD
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
ROGER
I'm not scared of you.
HAROLD
You should be.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

HAROLD and KATY walk around searching for something.

HAROLD
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
KATY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
HAROLD
You know nothing Katy Jolie.
KATY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ROGER appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

ROGER
Looking for something?
KATY
Crikey, Harold, he's got your paperweights.
HAROLD
Tell me something I don't already know!
KATY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
HAROLD
I know that already!
KATY
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
ROGER
(appalled) Dude!
While ROGER is looking at KATY with disgust, HAROLD lunges forward and grabs his deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

HAROLD
Prepare to die, you wild cauliflower!
ROGER
No please! All I did was frighten a bunch of swimmers!
GEMMA enters, unseen by any of the others.

HAROLD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Harold Thunder defender of innocent swimmers.
ROGER
Don't hurt me! Please!
HAROLD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
ROGER
Because Harold, I am your father.
HAROLD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

HAROLD
No you're not!
ROGER
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ROGER tries to grab the paperweights but HAROLD dodges out of the way.

HAROLD
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ROGER slumps to the ground.

KATY
Did he just faint?
HAROLD
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
HAROLD crouches over ROGER's body.

KATY
Be careful, Harold. It could be a trick.
HAROLD
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Roger Ball is dead!
HAROLD
What?
HAROLD
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
KATY claps her hands.

KATY
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
GEMMA steps forward.

GEMMA
Is it true? Did you kill the wild robber?
HAROLD
Gemma how long have you been...?
GEMMA puts her arm around HAROLD.

GEMMA
Long enough.
HAROLD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Roger Ball.
GEMMA
Then the swimmers are safe?
HAROLD
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

GEMMA
You are their hero.
The swimmers bow to HAROLD.

HAROLD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Roger Ball will never frighten swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
GEMMA
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the swimmers passes HAROLD a wooden necklace

GEMMA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
HAROLD
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

HAROLD
Well, if you insist.
HAROLD takes the necklace.

HAROLD
Thank you.
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

HAROLD turns to GEMMA.

HAROLD
Does this mean you want me back?
GEMMA
Oh, Harold, of course I want you back!
HAROLD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

HAROLD
Well you can't have me.
GEMMA
WHAT?
HAROLD
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a robber to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
GEMMA
But...
HAROLD
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Katy.
KATY grins.

GEMMA
But...
KATY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
GEMMA
Harold?
HAROLD
I'm sorry Gemma, but I think you should skidaddle.
GEMMA leaves.

KATY turns to HAROLD.

KATY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
HAROLD
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly KATY stops.

KATY
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the robber don't you?

THE END

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